Empty Nest is now on Laff TV! To celebrat
JUST YOU AND MY KID
After a patient askes Harry to father her child, he talks about his dream of having a son.
Barbara: You should be glad you have daughters! Daughters are cute and sweet, feminine and dainty! Soft little bundles of joy, dammit!
Harry: I can't help it. Sometimes I wonder if I missed out on something. Not that you girls weren't terrific.
Carol: No, I understand, Daddy. I still feel bad about the time we went fishing, and I sang "Born Free" and dumped all the live bait overboard.
Laverne: So let me get this straight. This woman gets it in her mind she wants a youngin' so she tracks down her old baby doctor and says she wants you two to get together to pound the Posturepedic? So, whad'ya say? You two gonna set the quilt to quiverin'?
Harry: No! And Laverne, would you please stop!
Laverne: Well, I'm bein' delicate. Can't you see I'm a-usin' euphemisms here.
THE R.N. WHO CAME TO DINNER
Laverne: Nick and I had a fight during our dinner last night, and I walked out on him.
Harry [steps forward as if to hug her]: Oh Laverne...
Laverne: You better take back those hands, or you'll have to learn to feed yourself with your feet!
Harry: If you need some place to stay until this blows over, stay with us.
Laverne: I don't know. The exam room sure is closer to where I work.
Harry: This could be fun. We could carpool.
Laverne: Good idea! I hit the road at a quarter o' six.
Harry: Perfect! Circle the block until 7:30, then pick me up.
Carol: This is disgusting. For the past two days, Nick has been pouring his heart out. Flowers, candy, singing telegrams. Last night he hit three homeruns for her and then recited Elizabeth Barrett Browning on the post-game show. My God, if she doesn't go back to him soon...I will.
Barbara: Daddy, Laverne has got to go!
Barbara: I should've never told her I play softball. Now she's acting like some crazed manager. She kept me up all night practicing fundamentals.
Harry: Well, honey, she's going through a very difficult time.
Barbara: That's easy for you to say. You didn't spend half the night hook sliding into the dinette set.
IT HAPPENED TWO NIGHTS, FOUR COSTUME CHANGES
Carol objects to killing a mouse in the Westons' house, but once she sees it she screams, grabs a broom, and nearly beats it to death...
Carol: Well, Daddy, if you do see the mouse, remember: try to shoo him out the door without traumatizing him, because every living creature has a....AAGGHHH!!!! DIE!! DIE!! DIE!!....Oh my god, I've taken a life.
Barbara: What's going on?
Carol: I've killed Mickey.
Barbara: Good! That'll teach him to run through the...[sees the dying mouse] Oohh, the poor little thing! I didn't know he'd be so cute.
Carol: Look, Barbara, he's moving. Call 911!
Barbara: Carol that's crazy...they'll never get here in time! We'll take him to the animal hospital. I'll drive, you stick your head out the window and make siren noises.
Carol: Daddy, we want to talk to you.
Harry: About what?
Barbara: Yeah, you know, the cute little mouse that Carol bashed over the head with the broom.
Carol: I didn't bash him Barbara. And, if you don't mind, I feel bad enough about this. I just thank God the skull x-ray turned out negative.
Harry: Hold it...you had skull x-rays done on a mouse?
Carol: That's what we wanted to talk to you about, Daddy. They're sending you the bill.
EVERYTHING BUT LOVE
Laverne: Hey, ya know how they say everything happens in 3s? Not only is your niece arrivin,' but my best friend Lurlene is a-comin' to town.
Harry: Oh, how great! Laverne, that's only two things.
Laverne: If you gonna nit-pick I ain't gonna talk to ya at all!
Carol: Enough with food. Let's talk about my second obsession.
Carol: Poor Amy. She probably thinks last night was the start of a real relationship. She doesn't realize that she's been played for a fool. That she's been used up and tossed aside. On the other hand, at least she had a date.
Laverne is upset after Lurlene calls her citified.
Laverne: Oh my lord!
Laverne: I just said "Goodbye" instead of "Y'all call back now!"
Laverne: That's citified! Well, it's early in the morning. I'm still shook up from this Lurlene thing. Anyone could slip. Used to happen all the time to my grandfather. I mean grandpappy! Oh lordy, listen to me. I sound like William F. Buckley. Next time I watch Norma Rae, I'll prob'ly start rootin' for management!
LOVE IS BLIND
Charley: Hey, here's a surprise! It's Saturday night, Barbara's out, and Carol's home with Daddy.
Harry: Charley, go a little easy here. Carol's feeling hurt. Both the girls met this man at the same time. He asked Barbara out.
Carol: Daddy, it wasn't just any man. He was blind.
Charley: Hold it. Let me get this straight. A blind guy turned you down? Does the phrase "hit bottom" mean anything to you?
Barbara: Well, let's face it, Daddy. When Carol drives down the highway of men, she always gets off at the idiot exit.
Barbara goes undercover at a high school and gets a little help with her algebra homework.
Darrell: I'm pretty good at algebra. Could you use some help?
Darrell: Great. Although I must say I was rather intrigued by the point you made when you stood up in class today and yelled, "What the hell is this? Real people don't need this!"
Harry: Good morning, Laverne.
Laverne: Shh, I'm a-readin.'
Laverne: Don't ya wanna know what it is?
Harry: Okay, what is it?
Laverne: Nosey, ain't ya?
After looking through a family photo album, Laverne is convinced that she's destined to become fat.
Harry: Laverne, I have never known you to eat like this.
Laverne: Well, if it's my destiny to become jumbo size, I'm not gonna fight it anymore.
Harry: Laverne, you can't let looking through some picture album change your whole life.
Laverne: No, no! If I'm gonna live in Fat City, I might as well be the mayor.
Harry: This does not have to happen. Laverne, you're making it happen.
Laverne: Leave me alone! Sorry. Obviously this fat thing comes easy enough. It's the jolly thing gonna take a little bit o' work.
Laverne: Some lunch. Sure they say 'all you can eat' but after you've had three or four servings of steak and shrimp, they start slowin' down them plates.
Harry: Laverne, we have to talk.
Laverne: Save your breath. I'm gonna face my destiny with my head held high and a hand full o' Ding Dongs clutched to my soon-to-be-ample bosom!
Empty Nest Online is not an official website and does not intend to infringe on any copyrights. Website is not optimized for viewing on a mobile device.