Empty Nest is now on Laff TV! To celebrat
THE BOY NEXT DOOR
Carol: Stanley is the third man in a row to dump me. And I mean DUMP. There's a stiff fine now for leaving me by the roadside.
SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME
Laverne: Mrs. Bedlow called with an emergency. Little Jenny had a terrible fall.
Harry: Well, come on. We oughtta get her in here.
Laverne: Not necessary. She put peroxide and a Band-Aid on her knee. Everything's all right.
Harry: Well, that's good.
Laverne: Not really. She called back again. She thinks Jenny may have drunk some of that peroxide.
Harry: Well, that's very serious! Come on, rush her in here!
Laverne: Well, no need to. Turns out it was lemonade. Everything'll be fine.
Harry: Laverne, why are you telling me all this?
Laverne: I want you to know the kind of emotional roller coaster I ride ever'day!
Charley: You know, Laverne, we never really had the chance to chat, to get to know each other.
Charley: So...hail from Dixie, ay?
Charley: I hear that old times there are not forgotten.
Laverne: And I'm gonna look away now.
Carol: Good evening, Charley. Good luck on your operation tomorrow. Hope you don't die.
Carol: What? You told me to say something nice. As it was, I lied.
Harry: Laverne, have you cleared the schedule for Charley's operation?
Laverne: What are ya sayin'? That I'm standin' here readin' the paper, shirkin' my duties? Not fulfillin' my job description? Well, I quit.
Harry: Laverne, I wasn't suggesting...
Laverne: Okay, stop your grovelin,' I'll stay.
Harry: Laverne, will you watch things here please?
Laverne: What's the implication? That I wouldn't normally? That while the cat's away the mouse will play? Well, I quit. All right, I'll stay.
Charley brings the Westons gifts upon returning from his hospital stay.
Harry: Oooh, a plastic pitcher from the hospital.
Charley: You're going to want to wash that. Barbara...
Barbara: Awww, another plastic pitcher from the hospital.
Charley: That one you're going to want to boil. Carol...
Carol: Oh, Charley, what unusual earrings. Thank you.
Charley: They're my tonsils. I had them bronzed!
Carol: Oh my God, Daddy!
Harry: Charley, get out!
HARRY KNOWS BEST
Carol: You know, we really should have another portrait made. Something that shows how close we are as a family, how much we all love each other.
Harry: Well, honey, what about your sister, Emily? She can't get away from school.
Carol: To hell with Emily. Not here, not in it!
Laverne: Doctor, pick a number between 1 and 50.
Harry: Okay, 50.
Laverne [into phone]: Doctor says take 50 teaspoons, 50 times a day.
Laverne: I'm just kiddin.' It's Lurlene a-shoppin' for lottery numbers.
Harry: Girls, I need a little help. I got a tough one on my hands.
Carol: Daddy, now's not a good time. I'm very preoccupied with all the arrangements for our family portrait.
Harry: It's about plastic surgery.
Carol: Oh, really?
Harry: Yes, one of my patients. She's 15 years old, bright, very attractive and for some reason has her mind set on getting a nose job. She wants me to recommend a plastic surgeon.
Carol: Oh, Daddy, do you know a good one? Because I would love to get my butt done.
Harry: Carol, what are you talking about?
Carol: I'm talking about picking the damn thing up off the floor.
Harry: Carol, you have a lovely....don't make me say this! Barbara, tell her please. Barbara?
Barbara: Daddy, what do you think I'd look like with Carly Simon's lips?
Harry: You'd like fine, dear. She'd look a little weird.
Barbara: Charley, what do you think of plastic surgery?
Charley: Well, if you're talking about women, I will always vote "yes" on proposition big ones.
Carol: Charley, will you never grow up? Come on, Barbara. I'll pull your lips out, you hold my butt up, and we'll go see how we look.
Carol: Nice outfit, Charley. Where'd you get it, the Big and Tall Moron's Shop?
WHENEVER I FEEL AFRAID
Laverne: I lost my purse. I'm making a list of the contents.
Harry: Oh, I'm sorry, dear. When was the last time you saw it?
Laverne: I guess when that guy was a-runnin' away with it!
Harry: Whoa, Laverne, wait. Somebody mugged you? Are you okay? What did the police say?
Laverne: Well, it wouldn't make no sense to call them 'til I've compiled this list of the contents of my purse. I already had a list, but, foolishly, I kept it in my purse.
Officer Hitner: Okay, Mrs. Todd, if you could just describe what happened to you last night.
Laverne: A man took my purse.
Officer Hitner: And...?
Officer Hitner Yes...?
Officer Hitner: Anything else?
Laverne: From me. I can keep this up as long as you can.
A FAMILY AFFAIR
Barbara: Carol said we could use her scale to weigh Dreyfuss. Okay, first you get on alone. What does it say?
Charley: I can't tell. After 115, Carol's written a bunch of big black letters that say "FAT FAT PIG PIG FAT FAT FAT."
Laverne: Now face it, when it comes to your daughters, you're too protective, and you're always wrong.
Harry: You know, Laverne, if I were in your position, I would agree with my employer a little more often.
Laverne: Wrong again. And that's exactly the kind of thinkin' that has held you back from bein' in my position.
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