Empty Nest is now on Laff TV! To celebrat
MOM'S THE WORD
Laverne: Doctor, have you figured out how you're gonna get Carol to my house for the baby shower?
Harry: Yeah, I told her we were going to pick you up for a movie.
Laverne: No good.
Harry: Why not?
Laverne: 'Cause she'll ask what movie.
Harry: She already did. I told her she could pick the movie.
Laverne: Supposin' she don't pick one playin' in my neighborhood?
Harry: Then you can pick the movie.
Laverne: Supposin' I don't pick one playin' in my neighborhood?
Harry: Why would you do that?
Laverne: 'Cause I have a better plan. Now, you two will be drivin' through my neighborhood on the way to the mall to pick up your tuxedo for the hospital fundraiser.
Harry: What hospital fundraiser?
Laverne: Oh, for Pete's sake, there ain't no fundraiser. We're spinnin' a yarn!
Harry: I see. Go on.
Laverne: So then you'll get a couple blocks from my house, and you'll pretend your car breaks down. But luckily you're near my house so you can come on in and use my phone to call for help.
Harry: I have a car phone.
Laverne: Say it's broken.
Harry: Say we're near a pay phone.
Laverne: Say it's out of order.
Harry: Say a cop drives by.
Laverne: Say he's off-duty.
Harry: ...Say I fire your ass.
Maxine, who has a fear of public speaking, backs out of giving a fundraising speech.
Harry: You promised to do this.
Maxine: Oh, Harry, I thought I could, but I can't. I mean, I'm great one on one, but get me in front of a group of people and I freeze.
Harry: Come on, sweetheart, we all get a little nervous.
Maxine: A little? First my mouth dries up. Then my neck starts to sweat, and it runs down between my shoulder blades, and I end up with a rusty bra hook.
Laverne: I used to go out with a boy named Rusty Brahook!
Laverne: I'm doin' this 'cause I care about you, Doctor. This is what ya call tough love.
Maxine [making a fist]: And this is what you call a knuckle sandwich.
Laverne: I had stage fright once, couldn't get a word out. Remember that, Doctor?
Harry: March 4, 1991. It was the happiest day of my life.
Carol [feeding Dreyfuss]: Gee, it's been a long time since I had a guy eating out of my hand. Although I have dated a few who drank out of the toilet.
Maxine: I know the clinic needs the money, but I just can't do it.
Laverne: Dr. Douglas, you have to do it, or you'd never be able to look yourself in the eye.
Maxine: Oh, how often do you really have to look yourself in the eye?
Laverne: Hey, how'd your speech go?
Maxine: I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
Carol: What happened?
Maxine: Well, I got off-track thinking about Harry. I started talking about him being lost at sea, and I got all choked up. Then they started feeling sorry for me.
Laverne: Yeah, and...?
Maxine: That's when I really poured it on! I haven't blubbered that much since I heard Steven Spielberg was gonna direct The Color Purple!
HALF THAT JAZZ
Laverne: Don't blame me.
Maxine: Oh, that's the last time I let you drive.
Laverne: My drivin' had nothin' to do with it. You spilled that soda while I was a-skillfully navigatin' a road hazard.
Maxine: We were airborne!
Laverne: Well, it couldn't be avoided!
Maxine: Laverne, the sign said DIP. Did you think the city of Miami was suggesting we dance?
LOVE A LA MODE
Charley: Hey, Westons, I got great news, and here's a little hint: Ding dong! Ding dong!
Carol: You made it with the Avon lady?
Charley: What do you mean no bachelor party? Then why get married?
Harry: Look, Charley, I can ask Carol to put together a quiet little engagement party, the kind of thing you can invite your parents to.
Charley: Sounds great. But Mom and Dad haven't been getting along lately. It's almost as if they don't like each other anymore.
Harry: Charley, they got divorced.
Charley: Yeah. That just made it worse. Hey, I wonder who got custody of me.
Harry: I did!
Laverne: Doctor, my birthday is the 15th, too!
Maxine [shrugs]: How 'bout that.
Laverne: This explains why you and me are so much alike. Why, we're practically twins.
Maxine: Yeah...patients often tell me, "You know, you bear an uncanny resemblance to that skinny, white nurse!"
WHAT'S A MOTHER TO DO?
Harry: Morning, sweetheart.
Carol: Is it morning? I know it's not night, because if it were night, Scotty would be awake.
Harry: The baby had a rough night, huh?
Carol: No, the baby had a perfectly lovely night: three meals, five mile walk around the living room, brief nap at 4 a.m. It's good to be the baby.
Sophia: Here, I'm returning Harry's chainsaw. It's out of gas and a couple teeth are missing...just like me.
Carol: Sophia, what are you doing with a chainsaw?
Sophia: It was lumberjack night at Shady Pines.
Carol: Lumberjack night?
Sophia: Yeah, but things got a little out of hand. Shady Pines isn't quite as shady as it used to be.
Carol: Daddy, would you hold Scotty?
Carol: Good, now can you raise him? I'm the worst mother in the whole world!
Charley: Boy, I bet my mom will be glad to lose that title.
DIARY OF A MAD HOUSEWIFE
Harry: How are you feeling today?
Carol: I have blurry vision, dry mouth, nausea, excessive bloating and a frequent need to urinate. Guess what that means!
Sophia: You knocked back a case of beer last night?
Carol: According to my book, I'm having the perfect pregnancy. I've had 19 symptoms so far. Ooohh...make that 20! My nipples are sore!
Sophia: I gotta get back to the home. We're having a safe-sex seminar.
Harry: Safe sex? Well, you know, you're never too old to be safe.
Sophia: Yeah, right. At my age, safe sex means asking the nurse to put up the sides of the bed.
Carol: Sophia, what was it like when you were pregnant?
Sophia: Oh, things were different when I was pregnant. For one thing, I was married. But without my father's blessing, so when I got pregnant he put a curse on me.
Carol: You're kidding. What kind of a curse?
Sophia: I'm a nymphomaniac.
Sophia: What's this?
Carol: Wow, it's my mother's diary.
Sophia: Are you going to read it?
Carol: Oh, Sophia, please! It contains her most personal thoughts and feelings.
Sophia: I know. Let me have it when you're finished.
Sophia: I gotta go. It's Mrs. Finegold's 96th birthday party. It's gonna be great! First, we all jump out and yell "Surprise!" Then we draw straws to see who gets her room.
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