Empty Nest is now on Laff TV! To celebrat
Charley: When I die, nobody will care.
Harry: Charley, that's not true.
Carol: Of course it's not.
Charley: Oh sure, like you're going to miss me.
Carol: Charley, just because we've had a difficult relationship in the past doesn't mean that...Daddy won't miss you. Right, Daddy?
Carol: And Sophia will miss you, won't you, Sophia?
Sophia: Yeah, yeah, pass the ketchup.
Carol: Come on now, Sophia. You'd remember Charley if he died.
Sophia: Are you kidding? I can't even remember why I needed the ketchup.
JUST FOR LAUGHS
Maxine: I don't know why I always let you drive. That's the fastest I've ever ridden in a car.
Laverne: Oh now, Doctor, it wasn't that fast.
Maxine: Laverne, it is now 8 o'clock. We left my house at 10 after 8. We went back in time!
THE WOMAN WHO CAME TO DITHER
Harry and Maxine must hire a temp nurse while Laverne is in Hickory testifying in court.
Harry: Did she say when she's coming back?
Maxine: She hasn't even testified yet. It seems there's been a delay. Apparently, they needed the judge's robe for the high school graduation.
Charley: Hey, Harry, how come you never take me bowling?
Harry: I took you once. You knocked yourself out when you stuck your head in the ball return.
Charley: Oh. Maybe that's why I don't remember.
Harry: Maxine, why are you typing? Why isn't Doris doing that?
Maxine: Because she's weird, Harry. She talks to the computer!
Harry: She gets the job done.
Maxine: Yeah, but she's weird! Her locker smells like mustard.
Harry: You're smelling her locker, and she's weird?
FEELINGS, WHOA WHOA WHOA FEELINGS
Maxine spots Laverne and an old friend, Dr. Matt Kane, reminiscing about Hickory.
Maxine: Uh oh, Hee Haw alert. Turnip truck at 4 o'clock.
Harry: Laverne, I'd let you go, but this afternoon we're swamped.
Matt: If you're really swamped how about I strap on some hip boots and wade on in.
Harry: Well, great!
Maxine: I don't know. Hold on a second. This might not be what you're used to. If you don't mind my asking, where exactly did you get your medical training?
Matt: Oh, a little ol' place called Harvard.
Maxine: Well, hush my mouth and grab a lab coat!
Maxine: All right, knock it off you two. You're having too much fun.
Laverne: Oh come on, Dr. Douglas, you know how it is with childhood friends.
Maxine: I guess.
Matt: You sayin' you never had any childhood friends?
Maxine: No, I beat 'em all up.
Laverne: Well, that's a shame, 'cause you know what they say back in Hickory: A good friend is like a fishin' pond...
Matt: It's deeper than ya think...
Laverne: You can always see yourself reflected back...
Matt: Plus on Saturday nights you can get polluted together.
Maxine: Yeah, we have a similar saying back in the Bronx: A good friend is like a fishing pond...good luck finding one 'round here.
REMEMBRANCE OF CLIPS PAST
Dreyfuss eats the cake Carol sets out for Laverne's going-away party.
Laverne: Ooohhh, looks like someone could use some trainin.'
Sophia: What can I tell you? I smacked her with a newspaper, but she left the cake out anyway.
Laverne is opening her gifts.
Harry: This one is from Sophia.
Laverne: Oh Sophia, you shouldn't have!
Sophia: That's what I told Harry, but he made me.
Laverne: Oh y'all, it's a photo album.
Sophia: It's filled with memorabilia of all the things we did together.
Laverne: It's empty.
Sophia: I know. We never did anything together.
Carol tries to get Laverne to stop when she sees her drying dishes.
Carol: Laverne, you're the guest of honor. You're not supposed to be cleaning up.
Laverne: It's my party, and I'll dry if I want to!
LIFE GOES ON
Sophia: Harry, we can't go to Laverne's wedding. None of us.
Harry: Why not?
Sophia: I had a dream. We were all flying to Hickory, and the plane crashed! There were only two survivors.
Sophia: A salesman from Toronto and Madonna.
Harry: Sophia, dear, just because you had a dream doesn't mean it will happen.
Charley: No, Harry, you're wrong! This is uncanny. I saw Madonna interviewed on TV this morning.
Charley: Obviously, she did survive!
Scarlett: When Matt sees you all dressed in white comin' down that long spiral staircase...
Laverne: Mama, we don't have a long spiral staircase.
Grit: She rented one!
Scarlett: It's all set up in the backyard.
Maxine: Wow! We're talkin' Gone With the Wind City!
Scarlett: That's where we got it!
Carol: Daddy! Daddy, oh my god, Daddy! Daddy, I have news. I have big news. The biggest news ever. I have dreamed of this moment for so long...I knew how I would tell you...It has to be absolutely perfect! Come here, sit here....no get up. Maybe you should put on a tie!
Harry: Carol, please, slow down! You're acting like...you're getting married or something!
Carol: Well, thanks a lot. You ruined my moment.
Sophia: Tell me the truth. Are we lost?
Charley: I'm not sure. I could tell better if I had some idea of where we are.
Sophia: You never should've taken that turn-off.
Charley: You told me to.
Sophia: Why'd ya wanna listen to me for? I've got such a lousy since of direction, sometimes I think I'm getting younger.
Charley: You were reading the map.
Sophia: I thought I was, but it turns out I was just looking at the veins in my hand.
Sophia: Do you have any idea where you're going?
Charley: Sure. [Points] That way.
Sophia: Maybe you should let me drive.
Charley: Are you kidding? You can't even see over the dashboard.
Maxine: Harry, you can't leave Hickory before you go down to Elmo's Bait & Tackle!
Maxine: Because if you guess how many nightcrawlers he has in his jar, he'll let you run over stuff in his monster truck! God, I love this town!
Carol: Okay everybody, it's bouquet throwing time! Assemble all ye single women!
Sophia [to Maxine...they being the only two single women there]: I guess it's just you and me, Shaquille.
Barbara: What are you doing with Mr. Fuggety?
Carol: He's going to my new abode with the rest of my furry confidantes.
Barbara: I don't think so! He was my present in third grade, remember? To take my mind off those ugly braces.
Carol: You never had braces! I did!
Barbara: I know. They scared the hell out of me.
The entire gang gathers in the living room for pictures at Harry's going-away party.
Maxine: Are we done yet? Tired of lookin' happy. It's not natural.
Charley: If we're taking more pictures, I'm grabbing another beer.
Harry: No! No, this is absolutely the last picture. I would like to make it to Vermont before the end of the century.
Sophia: I would like to make it to the end of the century.
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