Empty Nest is now on Laff TV! To celebrat
Barbara: I started out with a good system. Every time I got in too deep with one credit card, I got a cash advance from the other to bail me out. Everything was fine until the Visa people got greedy and demanded more than the Mastercard people were willing to give.
Carol: So you paid them?
Barbara: No, I applied for American Express.
Carol: How humiliating. The minute something goes a little wrong moving back into your parents' house, living in your childhood bedroom, which in case you were concerned, Barbara, has been preserved as a shrine right down the hall.
Barbara: Daddy, I can't live with you, I'm an adult. And I know you. There would be rules and curfews, and you would listen in on my telephone conversations.
Harry: I never did that!
Barbara: Oh really? So when Joely Moss was explaining the facts of life to me, who was that on the other line screaming, "It's a lie! It's a lie!"?
Carol: Everything in your entire life is temporary!
Barbara: Yeah, but only for a little while.
Carol: My biggest fear is that there's no such thing as PMS, and this is who I really am.
Harry: I would come home and [Libby] would tell me, "Barbara's got a new guy." Then a couple nights later, she'd tell me, "Barbara's got a new guy." That would last about a week, then she'd tell me, "Barbara's got a new guy."
Dorothy: What about Carol?
Harry: Didn't tell Carol. It depressed her too much.
Carol tries to tell Barbara, who is inexplicably happy after being dumped, that she should be depressed instead.
Carol: Barbara, honey, you're depressed.
Barbara: No, I'm not.
Carol: Yes, you are, my poor sweet thing. You just don't know it. Now, tell your sister, is this how you normally react after you've been dumped?
Barbara: I don't know. I've never been dumped before.
BLAME IT ON THE MOON
Laverne: Just as well. You don't wanna get involved with a woman who works with x-rays for a livin.' One day she's sweet as punch. Next day, she comes home, she's 30 feet tall.
THE MORE THINGS CHANGE
Laverne: Wanna hear the latest from the hospital grapevine?
Harry: That Nurse Lasky used to be a man?
Laverne: No this is big! [hesitates...] Nurse Lasky used to be a man? Well that explains the bald spot.
Laverne: Our medical center has been sold to the Greykirk Corporation.
Harry: Really? Who'd you hear that from?
Laverne: It leaked outta Urology.
Charley: The chicks aren't happenin' so I thought I'd change the ol' image.
Barbara: Oh, I get it. So you got a fake mustache. This is like instead of reading or being more courteous right?
Carol: Hi, Charley.
Charley: Aren't you gonna mention my mustache?
Carol: It's fake. It's stupid. Can we move on now?
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