Empty Nest is now on Laff TV! To celebrat
THE DREYFUSS AFFAIR
Harry: She was right to bring him in. I mean, loss of appetite is an important symptom. Come to think of it, Dreyfuss has not been eating very well lately, either. I think I'll take him in for a check-up. Laverne, you know, it's amazing how much other people can teach you about yourself.
Laverne: Shew. I gotta write that gem down. Yeah, that's gonna change a lotta people's lives!
Harry: I think I'll take him in right after work. You know, I always say "better safe than sorry."
Laverne: Better safe than sorry. Lordy, Doctor, we gonna have to get you a long white beard and put you on a mountaintop!
Laverne: Nick, it's about time! What happened at the game last night?...You took a fastball in the head? Oh, my god. Are you okay?...Oh good. What's that? You took a fastball in the head? Honey, ya just told me that...Bye-bye...Bye-bye...Hang up 'a phone now, honey...hang up 'a phone.
Harry: You'll stay by the phone in case he calls?
Laverne: I tell ya what, how about I sit on it? That way, if the ringer's broke, I'll get it when my butt tingles.
Carol: Dreyfuss must be so frightened spending the night all alone at the vet's.
Barbara: Poor thing. I bet they have him in one of those little hospital gowns that don't close in the back.
Laverne: Nick? Oh, you did it, honey! I'm so proud of you! First man in the minors to be hit by a pitch 87 times in one season. Thank god it's over! Thank god you're still in one piece! You're catchin' the first flight back to Miami? Honey, it was a home game. Don't do that.
Arthur: Laverne! How's my favorite nurse? Still Southern?
Laverne: Breaker breaker for a beaver squeezer, you got the wild turkey, gobble gobble come on!
Arthur: Guess so...
HARRY'S GOT A GUN
After being burglarized, the Westons decide to buy guns.
Barbara: I checked upstairs. Nobody's there. It's perfectly safe.
Carol: How can you be so sure?
Barbara: I just told you, I checked.
Carol: I'm never going upstairs again.
Barbara: Oh, grow up.
Carol: What if he robs us again? What if he comes back? What are we going to do?
Barbara: Why don't you just date him, and he'll never come back.
Laverne: Oh, you got your gun permit. Lemme see, lemme see. Oh, that's a pretty one.
Carol: Wait 'til you see the shoes I got for it!
Laverne: Did they tell you what to do if there is a perpetrator in the house?
Harry: I know what to do. I call 911.
Laverne: Let's say the lines are cut.
Harry: Let's say...I have a cellular phone.
Laverne: Let's say the batteries are dead.
Harry: Let's say they're rechargeable.
Laverne: Let's say they're a-comin' in the door now!
Harry: Let's say I'm out the window!
Laverne: Let's say the window's stuck!
Harry: Let's say I...fire your ass!
Laverne: Guess this means you don't wanna go huntin' with me this weekend.
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