Empty Nest is now on Laff TV! To celebrat
...OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE
Carol: Oohh, this sounds good!
Barbara: What, they made bitching and whining an Olympic event?
Carol: There it is again, no support! Daddy, Barbara's not supporting me!
Harry: I know, dear. I believe I am.
Harry: Carol, when we talked this morning, you saw absolutely nothing wrong in it.
Carol: I know, but when I watch you worry I get envious, and I want to worry with you.
Carol: I'll be in the garage with Patrick. We're having a party of two to celebrate his first month here.
Harry: Let me know when you have a "going away" party!
Carol: I hate you so much!
Carol: I promised my fellow demonstrators arrests and publicity, and what do you do? Nothing!
Barbara: Hey, I was just trying to help you out. You want to get arrested? Come on, we'll do it right now.
Carol: Too damn late!
Barbara: I could handcuff you to the bed.
Carol: I've got Patrick for that.
Charley: Hey, what's this I hear about you coming out against bubble wrap? It's a necessity of life. Personally, I like to wrap women in it and pop my way to the center.
Carol: I thought all your dates came in a plain brown wrapper.
Barbara reads Carol her rights after arresting her at an anti-plastic protest...
Barbara: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney...you can borrow the money from Daddy.
CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT
Charley: Hey, Tex.
Laverne: I happen to be from Arkansas.
Charley: Yeah, like there's a difference.
Patrick: Carol, it's 1 a.m. I thought you were gonna, you know...come out to the garage.
Carol: I'm sorry, Patrick, I've lost all interest in sex. My libido is a shriveled, dried-up shell of its former self.
Patrick: Let's give it a try anyway!
Patrick: You gotta do something to pull yourself outta this.
Carol: Patrick, do you know what it's like to send a man to jail? To stand up and say "We the jury find the defendant guilty! Guilty! Guilty!"?
Patrick: Well, maybe you shouldn't have said it that many times.
Patrick: Carol, the guy was guilty. He deserved to be sent to the slammer.
Carol: Slammer? Patrick, please. My mind is already filled with horrific images of where I sent this man. Do you have to use such graphic language...slammer?
Patrick: Sorry. Let's call it...The Sugarplum Palace!
Laverne tries to explain to Harry that she had a sex dream about Charley.
Laverne: It's someone you know very well.
Harry: Oh my god, it's me, isn't it?
Laverne: I said it was a sex dream! And thanks for conjuring up such a lovely visual image right after breakfast.
Carol: Just out of curiosity, though, what did you do to get here?
Jake: I ate too much.
Carol: Well, that hardly sounds like a crime. What did you eat?
Jake: A family of six in Wisconsin.
THE BODY BEAUTIFUL
Harry: Inspector Lopez needs a fire safety coordinator for our floor.
Laverne: Really? You want me to be fire safety coordinator?
Harry: Yeah, well, I thought...
Laverne: What will my powers be?
Lopez: Your powers?
Laverne: Yes, my powers.
Lopez: Your duties will be to keep people aware of fire procedures, conduct fire drills, and you'll be in charge in the event of an actual fire.
Laverne: I'll be in charge?
Lopez: If you got the stomach for it.
Laverne: Try me.
Lopez: You ever witnessed someone burned beyond recognition? The stench of charred flesh fills your nostrils!
Laverne: D'you ever see a man's toes chopped off by a McCormick reaper and th'owed in a pile o' corn?!
Lopez: Ever seen a man leap from a towering inferno and go splat on the pavement?!
Laverne: Okay, d'you ever see a cow turned inside-out?!
Harry: Please! It's a draw! I think Laverne's your person.
Lopez: Ever see a man's head after it's been split open to the brain by a bolt of lightening?
Laverne: Okay, d'you ever see a pig rip th'ough a man's guts to get to a couple turnips?
Lopez: ...Are you married?
Harry: Hi, Charley. How'd your date go?
Charley: She stood me up.
Harry: Aww, too bad.
Charley: Standing up, laying down...doesn't really matter.
Patrick: Carol, she is an art critic. I'm an artist. It was work. If I were Tommy Lasorda, would you be mad at me for talking to Oral Hershiser?
Carol: You know, it's just like you to use an analogy that I don't understand.
Harry: It's difficult, but I learned a long time ago, you can't put your expectations on your children.
Carol [running down stairs]: Daddy, since you think I'm so fat...I've decided to never eat again!
Carol: Daddy, I've just come from my support group Adult Children of Perfectly Fine Parents, and the most exciting thing...
Harry: Wait, there's a support group for people who have perfectly fine parents?
Carol: Well, yes. We bear a terrible burden. Imagine being this screwed up with no one but yourself to blame.
Carol tries to persuade Harry to appear with her and Patrick on Geraldo.
Carol: Our show would be about adult children who live with their lovers under their parents' roof.
Harry: You want me to admit that on national television?
Carol: I've discussed it with my therapist, and Sandy and I feel that it might be very helpful for us to air our father-daughter conflicts on national television.
Harry: What father-daughter conflicts?
Carol: Well, for instance, the fact that you won't appear with me on Geraldo!
Charley: She's got you there, Harry!
Harry: I'm not going to get involved in some hyped-up, tabloid smear job.
Carol: Daddy, we're talking about Geraldo, the dashing young maverick journalist who bravely exposed the horrendous conditions at the world's largest mental institution.
Charley: So he's the one who set you free!
Harry: How's school?
Larry: A living hell! Doctor, do you know how awful it is to be the shortest kid in the second grade?
Harry: But, you're a fifth grader.
Larry: My point exactly!
Laverne: Knock, knock.
Geraldo: Who's there?
Laverne: Nobody...I'm Al Capone's vault!
Emily: Do you know what it's like to spend four years at an all-girls school? I mean, if I see one more k.d. lang concert, I'm gonna barf.
Emily: Hi, I'm Emily.
Patrick: Patrick. I live in the garage.
Emily: Oh, you poor thing!
Carol: Patrick's my boyfriend, Emily.
Emily: You poor thing. He's cute.
Carol: No, he's not. He's old and broke.
Patrick: Thank you.
Carol: Say, I just thought of something. What if just us kids went out tonight to a fun, exciting new place I know, hmm?
Emily: Oh, no. The last time you said that, I was dragged to a coffee house to hear this bald lady recite a poem called Inverted Nipple.
Harry: It is four o'clock in the morning. You're just getting home now? Where is Emily?
Carol: We're not sure.
Patrick: We lost her at the gay bar.
Harry: Gay bar?
Carol: Emily heard about some party there. We didn't know it was a gay bar until Patrick realized the hand in his rear pocket wasn't mine.
Patrick: It was so gentle!
Carol: Now excuse me while I go upstairs and spend the rest of my life adopting hundreds of stray cats and watching my breasts drop.
Emily: Okay, see ya later!
Harry: Just wait a minute, young lady. I think you need to talk to your sister.
Emily: But, Dad, she's scary!
TWO FOR THE ROAD
Carol: Poor Emily. It's the first time she's ever been dumped. Welcome to my world, Princess!
Patrick: Where are we?
Emily: I think we just left New Jersey.
Patrick: Yeah, I don't smell anything.
Patrick: You want to hear "unreasonable"? The other night, I'm working at my potter's wheel. Carol comes in, and she wants to play that famous scene from Ghost. She wants to be romantic. I just want to finish my work.
Emily: So what'd you do?
Patrick: Well, let me put it this way: I'm still picking clay out of my underwear.
Carol: What did Patrick say?
Charley: He just wanted to make sure you knew he called.
Carol: That's odd. He knows I go to therapy every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday at this time.
Emily: Patrick, there's a big cockroach in here!
Patrick: I suppose you want me to come in there and kill it for you.
Emily: No, I thought maybe you could take it for a drive, and after half an hour of listening to you, it'll kill itself.
Emily: If you're tired, I could drive.
Patrick: That's open to debate.
Emily: It'd be safer if I drove.
Patrick: I'd feel safer driving through Harlem with Marge Schott.
Harry: Honey, why do you always do this to yourself?
Carol: Do what?
Harry: Let your imagination torture you and drive you crazy. I remember when your mother went into labor with Barbara. You were hysterical because you were convinced that when Barbara came out, we were going to put you back in.
Patrolman: Speed limit's 65, boy.
Patrick: How fast was I goin'?
Patrolman: 67! What's the hurry?
Patrick: No hurry, Officer.
Patrolman: So you're speedin' through my neck o' the woods just for the hell of it?
Patrick: No, I didn't realize I...
Patrolman: If I want any crap outta you, I'll squeeze your head!
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