Empty Nest is now on Laff TV! To celebrat
(FADE IN: )
INT. NURSES' STATION - DAY
(HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS ADORN THE OFFICE, INCLUDING A LARGE SPIDER WEB FRAMING THE HALLWAY. LAVERNE IS AT HER DESK, AS HARRY AND A PATIENT ENTER FROM AN EXAM ROOM.)
HARRY: Okay, Brittany. That knee looks much better. But next time you ride your bike, watch where you're going.
(HARRY WALKS INTO SPIDER WEB. BRITTANY GIGGLES.)
HARRY (CONT'D): Laverne, do we really need this?
LAVERNE: Yes. And watch what you're doing there. That cobweb set our petty cash back twenty buck. (TO BRITTANY) So, darling, what are you going to be on Halloween?
BRITTANY: Godzilla. (GROWLS) Raaaahhhhhh!
LAVERNE: Girl monster, I like it. Not enough girl monsters around.
HARRY: They've all taken up nursing.
LAVERNE (HANDING BRITTANY A CANDY BAR.) Here you go. Your official Dr. Harry Halloween treat: one sugar-free-as-well-as-taste-free, granola bar. (THEN) You want the real good stuff, you come trick-or-treat at my house. (HANDS HER A SLIP OF PAPER.) Here's the address.
BRITTANY: Thanks. Raaaahhhhh!
LAVERNE: Back at ya.
HARRY: Gee, Laverne, sounds like you're going to have a big crowd.
LAVERNE: Always do. Nick and I used to go a little overboard on Halloween. Probably 'cause we never had young'uns of our own.
HARRY: Well, that's nice.
LAVERNE: And I intend to keep up that tradition. (MILKING IT) Of course, it'll be an incredible burden, without having someone to help and all. Just me, myself, and I. All by my lonesome. Solo.
HARRY: Maybe you could ask one of your neighbors?
LAVERNE: You don't take hints very well, do you, Doctor?
HARRY: It's just that I'm not much of a Halloween person.
LAVERNE: I see. So I guess that promise you made after Nick left, about always being there for me, was, what, just another one of your cruel jokes?
HARRY: All right. What time do you want me there?
LAVERNE: Better come by around six. Now let's talk about your costume.
HARRY: No costumes, Laverne. I'm just gonna come as myself.
LAVERNE: We're tryin' to scare 'em, Doctor. Not kill 'em.
(OFF HARRY'S LOOK)
(FADE IN: )
INT. HARRY'S KITCHEN - MORNING
(CAROL AND PATRICK ARE EATING BREAKFAST WHILE DISCUSSING COSTUMES FOR HALLOWEEN. HARRY ENTERS.)
PATRICK: I'll wear leather boots, a black mask and carry a whip. You be some kind of animal.
HARRY: You'd better be talking about Halloween.
CAROL (SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH PATRICK): Yes.
PATRICK (SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH CAROL): No.
(CAROL AND PATRICK LOOK AT EACH OTHER.)
PATRICK (CONT'D): I thought we decided not to go to that party.
CAROL: No. We said we'd think about it.
PATRICK: I do not want to go to one of those stupid police affairs with a bunch of jerk cops. (BARBARA ENTERS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.) (BRIGHTLY) Hi, Barb.
(BARBARA IS FOLLOWED BY DANNY, AN OVERWEIGHT COP. THEY'RE BOTH WEARING MIAMI P.D. SWEATS AND HAVE JUST COMPLETED A RUN.)
BARBARA (EXHAUSTED, YET CHIPPER.): That was fun.
DANNY (EXHAUSTED, NOT CHIPPER.): Oh yeah, big time. (THEN) Could I trouble one of you folks to call 911?
BARBARA: You're in luck. My dad's a doctor.
HARRY: You seem to be out of breath.
DANNY: Hey, great diagnosis. What do I owe you?
HARRY: Five hundred dollars. It's a first visit. Have a seat.
DANNY: Better not. I never sweat on people's furniture until after I've been introduced.
BARBARA: Oh, sorry. Danny, family. Family, Danny.
DANNY (SHAKING HANDS WITH EVERYBODY.) It's a real pleasure to meet you.
CAROL: May I offer you something to drink?
DANNY: How about Lake Erie - no ice. Thanks, but I've got to get going.
(STARTS TO EXIT.)
BARBARA: Don't forget about tomorrow at the gym.
DANNY (PHONY): Wouldn't miss it for the world. (THEN) Maybe I'll luck out and get shot today.
BARBARA: Keep bitching, and I'll do it for you. 'Bye.
DANNY: Nice to finally meet all of you. And for you to meet all of me.
HARRY: Funny guy.
BARBARA: Yeah, Danny's the best. We could use more guys like him on the force. Of course, we'd have to enlarge the locker rooms.
BARBARA: It's one of Danny's jokes. He's a real crack-up.
CAROL: I suppose, if you're a fan of that kind of humor.
PATRICK: Lighten up, Carol. Maybe that Halloween party won't be so boring with him around.
BARBARA: Gee, I don't know if he's even going.
PATRICK: Really? Aren't you two --
BARBARA (AMUSED): Danny? No, no, he's just trying to transfer into the undercover unit. I'm helping him get into shape.
CAROL: Besides, Barbara would never dream of going out with a man of Danny's heft. She only dates hunks.
BARBARA: Carol, that's not true.
CAROL: Oh really? So who is taking you to the party tomorrow?
BARBARA (QUIETLY): Just this guy, Greg.
CAROL: Right. Greg Sparks, Mr. Physique of the Week. Admit it, Barbara, all you care about is looks.
BARBARA: Wrong, Carol. That is not all.
CAROL: Right. And they have to have a really cool car, too.
HARRY: Carol, be fair. Your sister's gone out with lots of fellas, who've had stupid cars. (OFF BARBARA'S LOOK) Sorry, honey. I tried.
(CHARLEY BURSTS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR AND CROSSES TO THE FRIDGE. HE OPENS THE DOOR AND CHECKS THE CONTENTS FOR A BEAT)
CHARLEY: Thank God!
CHARLEY: I just saw Shamu waddle out of here. And for a second, I thought you might have done something insane, like offer him our food.
(DISSOLVE TO: )
INT. POLICE GYM - LATER THAT DAY
(IT'S A SMALL VERSION OF A HEALTH CLUB: PEOPLE ON STAIRMASTERS, FREE WEIGHTS, ETC. BARBARA'S STUDYING A CLIPBOARD AS GREG SPARKS, A WELL-BUFFED HUNK, APPROACHES AND KISSES HER.)
GREG: Hey, Sweetheart. Spot me, will ya?
(GREG SITS ASTRIDE A WEIGHT BENCH AND LIFTS A BARBELL.)
BARBARA: Sure. Hey, have you seen Danny Brandt around?
GREG: How could you miss him? He's in lockers one through seven.
BARBARA: Okay, Danny's a little overweight.
(ANGLE ON: DANNY ENTERING FROM ANOTHER PART OF THE GYM.)
BARBARA (CONT'D): I better get him started on his workout.
GREG: What about you?
BARBARA: I'm gonna skip it today.
GREG: Keep skipping days and you're gonna have to let out your flak jacket.
BARBARA: You're kidding, right?
GREG: Just being honest.
BARBARA: Oh, my body isn't perfect enough for you?
GREG: Relax, I'm only thinking of you.
BARBARA: What's that supposed to mean?
GREG: I don't want people going around saying, "Hey, what does he see in her?"
BARBARA: Well, if that's all that matters to you, maybe you should take someone else to the Halloween party.
(BARBARA CROSSES. STILL PISSED, SHE APPROACHES DANNY.)
BARBARA (CONT'D) (TO HERSELF): What an ass!
DANNY: Why thank you. (PATTING HIS REAR) It also doubles as a floatation device.
BARBARA (FRUSTRATED): Danny, you know, you make it really difficult for a person to stay angry.
DANNY: Oh, sorry, I'll try to work on that. You know, I heard what Greg said to you. He's really an idiot.
BARBARA: Thanks. That's nice. (THEN) Listen, what are you doing for Halloween?
DANNY: Using a much smaller bag when I trick-or-treat?
BARBARA: No, I meant, do you want to go to the costume party with me?
DANNY: Really? Geez, I don't know what to say.
BARBARA: Say yes, and you can skip today's workout.
DANNY (QUICKLY): Yes.
BARBARA: Then give me a half-hour on the Stairmaster for being late today.
DANNY (GROANING): You tortured insects as a child, didn't you?
BARBARA: No, just my older sister.
(DANNY GETS ON STAIRMASTER AS STACY, A CUTE GIRL, APPROACHES BARBARA.)
STACY: Danny's such a sweet guy.
BARBARA: Yeah, he's a lot of fun.
STACY: Too bad he's so...you know.
BARBARA (A LITTLE TOO LOUD): He's not fat!
(EVERYONE LOOKS OVER AT THEM.)
DANNY (CALLING OVER): Yes I am.
(ON BARBARA'S REACTION, WE: )
(DISSOLVE TO: )
INT. HARRY'S LIVING ROOM - THAT NIGHT (HALLOWEEN)
(CHARLEY IS SEATED ON THE COUCH. A BIG BOWL OF HALLOWEEN GOODIES IS ON THE COFFEE TABLE. HARRY ENTERS, JUST AS CHARLEY SNATCHES A TREAT.)
HARRY: Charley, that's supposed to be for the kids!
CHARLEY: Harry, relax. I'll give the kids their treats. Your house won't get egged. Just go out and have a good time.
HARRY (RELUCTANTLY): Okay, if you need to reach me, Laverne's number's in the book. And if you run out of candy, there's an extra bag in the pantry.
CHARLEY: Actually, this is the extra bag.
(CHARLEY EXITS TO KITCHEN.)
CAROL (O.C.): Daddy, wait! C'mon, Patrick, it's showtime.
(CAROL AND PATRICK ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS. HER HAIR IS PULLED BACK IN A BUN. SHE'S WEARING A LAB COAT AND GLASSES. PATRICK IS IN A GREEN JUMPSUIT WITH FLUORESCENT GREEN MAKEUP COVERING HIS HANDS AND FACE.)
CAROL (CONT'D): Voila!
PATRICK: Carol, I feel like a jerk. You owe me big time for this.
CAROL: Daddy, tell Patrick he doesn't look like a jerk.
HARRY: Patrick...So what time does the party start?
CAROL: Daddy, aren't you going to guess who we are?
CAROL: I'll give you a hint. (IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT.) I won the Nobel prize for this...(POINTS TO PATRICK)...My "elemental" discovery.
HARRY: Congratulations, dear. Laverne's waiting for me.
CAROL: Okay, I'll give you one more hint.
(SWITCHES OFF LIGHTS.)
LFX: LIGHTS OFF
(WE NOW SEE PATRICK'S GLOW-IN-THE-DARK COSTUME AND MAKE-UP.)
CAROL (CONT'D): I'm Madame Curie, and Patrick is "Radium." What do you think, Daddy?
(CAROL TURNS ON LIGHT.)
LFX: LIGHTS ON
(HARRY IS GONE.)
CAROL (CONT'D) (OFF EMPTY ROOM): Daddy. Daddy?
PATRICK: Let's get out of here. I'm starting to itch.
(CUT TO: )
INT. HARRY'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
(IT'S DARK. HARRY HEARS FRONT DOOR SLAM.)
SFX: FRONT DOOR SLAM
(HE TURNS ON THE KITCHEN LIGHT, RELIEVED THAT THEY LEFT.)
LFX: LIGHT ON
(BARBARA ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS. SHE'S DRESSED LIKE A ROMAN HANDMAIDEN: SHORT TOGA, SANDALS, ETC.)
BARBARA: Daddy, why is the toilet seat glowing?
HARRY: Don't ask.
BARBARA: It's just weird, that's all. (THEN) Daddy, I don't think I can go through with this date.
HARRY: Really? I thought you said Danny was a great guy.
BARBARA: He is a great guy. A great, big, fat guy. God, I hate myself for thinking this way, but his weight really bothers me.
HARRY: Well, if you feel that strongly about it, don't go.
BARBARA: But that would be a really shallow, jerky thing to do, right?
HARRY: That's not for me to judge. All I can tell you is that you're entitled to your feelings. Even if they are shallow and jerky. I'm off to Laverne's.
BARBARA: It's nice of you to help her out.
HARRY (THEN FOR BARBARA'S BENEFIT): When you make a commitment to someone, it's not nice to disappoint them.
BARBARA: Subtle, Daddy. Real subtle.
HARRY: Give me a break. I spend my day with four and five-year-olds.
BARBARA: You're right. I'm being childish. How bad can it be?
(HARRY EXITS OUT THE BACK DOOR. THERE'S DANNY READY TO KNOCK. HE TAKES A STRIKING ELVIS POSE.)
DANNY: Elvis. The later years.
BARBARA (SOTTO): Pretty bad.
(ON BARBARA AND HARRY'S REACTION, WE: )
END OF ACT ONE
(FADE IN: )
INT. OF LAVERNE'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
(HARRY KNOCKS ON LAVERNE'S DOOR. IT SLOWLY CREAKS OPEN, REVEALING A DIMLY-LIT APARTMENT, DECORATED LIKE A HAUNTED CASTLE. HARRY STEPS IN.)
HARRY: Gee, the place looks great, Laverne. (THERE IS NO RESPONSE.) Laverne?... (STILL NO RESPONSE.) Let's not play games. I know you opened the door. (HARRY LOOKS BEHIND THE DOOR, SHE'S NOT THERE.) Somehow.
(LAVERNE, DRESSED AS A WITCH, SUDDENLY SWEEPS INTO THE ROOM.)
LAVERNE (CACKLING MANIACHIALLY): Heh-heh-heh. You're doomed, Doctor.
HARRY (TO HIMSELF): Don't remind me. (OFF HER LOOK) I mean, really nice job, Laverne.
(A SKELETON APPEARS.)
LAVERNE: Pretty scary, huh.
HARRY: Laverne, I'm a doctor. Skeletons don't scare me.
(A RUBBER SNAKE SPRINGS OUT OF SKELETON'S EYE SOCKET.)
(A STARTLED HARRY STEPS BACK INTO A TABLE AND KNOCKS OVER A CANDY DISH.)
LAVERNE: Quit fooling around. We don't have much time to rehearse before the kids show up.
HARRY: Rehearse? We're just handing out candy. I've done this before.
LAVERNE: Yeah, well you ain't never done it Laverne Todd style. (HANDS HIM SCRIPT.) You're Harry.
HARRY (READS FROM SCRIPT): Boo?
LAVERNE (SNATCHES SCRIPT BACK): For tonight's performance, we'll just pretend like I cut your tongue off.
SFX: DOORBELL RINGS
LAVERNE (SUDDENLY IN A PANIC): Oh, Lordy, they're here. The first kids of the night. Doctor, am I creepy enough?
HARRY: Is that a rhetorical question?
LAVERNE: Just open the door and get out of my way, Sawbones.
(LAVERNE DUCKS BEHIND A CHAIR, AS HARRY OPENS THE DOOR FOR TWO GIRLS AND A BOY IN COSTUME.)
KIDS: Trick or treat!
HARRY: Hey, you guys look great.
(SUDDENLY, LEAVERNE SPRINGS OUT FROM BEHIND A CHAIR. KIDS REACT.)
LAVERNE (WITCH VOICE): A treat? You sneak in here and dare ask me for a treat? I think I should get a treat.
(LAVERNE TRIES TO PULL THE LITTLE GIRL'S GOODY BAG AWAY. THE BOY SEEMS UNIMPRESSED.)
BOY: So, where's the Fu Man Chu guy?
BOY: You know, Nick. I want to see him pull that stuff out of his ear like he always does.
LAVERNE: Well, Nick's kinda out of the picture now. But this here's Scary Harry. He's tons more terrifying than Nick ever was. That's your cue, Doc.
(HARRY POINTS TO HIS MOUTH AND SHRUGS.)
BOY: Can we have our treats now?
LAVERNE: Oh, sure. How about some freshly plucked lizard eyeballs?
LITTLE GIRL: Could you please hurry? We have to get over to a real scary house in McDonie Street.
(LAVERNE PUTS CANDY IN THE CHILDREN'S BAGS. THEY EXIT. SHE SHUTS THE DOOR AND CLARES AT HARRY.)
LAVERNE: You're as useless as a brush to a bald man.
HARRY: I'm sorry, but I just don't believe in frightening children.
LAVERNE: Lighten up, Doctor. It's Halloween.
HARRY: Well, I suppose I could get a little more involved. (NOTICES BLACK MASK ON TABLE.) Maybe if I put this on. (PUTS ON MASK) How do I look?
LAVERNE: Hiyo, Silver Head.
LAVERNE (CONT'D): Try to keep the energy up this time, Kemosabe.
(LAVERNE TAKES HER PLACE, HIDING BEHIND THE CHAIR. HARRY HIDES BEHIND THE DOOR AS HE OPENS IT FOR A LITTLE BOY IN A BUNNY SUIT.)
BUNNY BOY: Trick or treat?
(HARRY JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND DOOR, ATTEMPTING A GHOSTLY WAIL.)
BUNNY BOY: Sir, are you all right?
HARRY (SHEEPISH): Yeah. I'm fine.
LAVERNE: Why don't you head over to McDonie Street. I hear there's a place guaranteed to scare your fuzzy tail off.
(LAVERNE PUTS CANDY IN HIS BAG.)
BUNNY BOY: Gee, thanks.
(BUNNY BOY EXITS.)
HARRY: Laverne, that was very generous of you.
LAVERNE: Generous nothing. I'm throwing in the towel. (TAKES OFF HER POINTY HAT.) If I can't scare these young 'uns, then maybe it's time to turn in my nose wart.
HARRY: I hate to see you this way. Is there anything I can do?
LAVERNE (SUDDENLY BETTER): How about you lettin' me dress you up?
HARRY: How about I don't.
LAVERNE (ENVISIONING HIM): The hair. We'll start with the hair.
(AS HARRY REACTS, WE: )
(DISSOLVE TO: )
INT. BALLROOM / POLICE COSTUME BALL - LATER THAT NIGHT
(THE OBLIGATORY HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS ABOUND. EVERYONE'S IN COSTUME. THERE ARE BANQUET TABLES WITH FOOD AND DRINK, AS WELL AS A LARGE WASHTUB USED FOR BOBBING-FOR-APPLES. CAROL AND PATRICK ARE TALKING TO A MAN IN COSTUME.)
CAROL: I'm Madame Curie. And he's radium. I discovered him. Get it?
(THE MAN SHRUGS AND WALKS AWAY.)
CAROL (CONT'D) (CALLING AFTER HIM): I won the Nobel Prize, dammit!
PATRICK (SQUIRMING): Carol, this costume's killing me. Let's go home.
CAROL: No. And stop scratching yourself. You're starting to lose your glow.
PATRICK: And the will to live.
ANGLE ON: ENTRANCE
(BARBARA AND DANNY ENTER. THEY'RE SHARING SOMETHING HUMOROUS. CAROL APPROACHES.)
CAROL: Where have you been? You're a half-hour late. What happened?
BARBARA (LAUGHING): We were on our way and got to the intersection at Fourth and Jan Murray Boulevard and the traffic light was out. So, Danny gets out of the car and starts directing traffic like Elvis. You should've seen the looks on everybody's faces.
DANNY (DOES ELVIS POINTING GESTURE, THEN DIRECTING TRAFFIC A LA ELVIS): Ladies and gentlemen, to the right. (ELVIS POINTING GESTURE.) Hey there, Baby - go left! (POINTING ANOTHER DIRECTION) Keep it movin.' Shake it. Shake it on down. (MORE ELVIS GESTURES) Thank you. Elvis has left the intersection.
CAROL: Danny, that's wonderful.
DANNY: Thanks. (SEES SOMEONE OFF CAMERA; CALLING OFF) Hey, Lieutenant! (TO THE OTHERS) Excuse me, I'll be right back. (THEN AS ELVIS) Thank you. Thank you, very much.
(DANNY CROSSES OFF)
CAROL: So it's going okay, huh?
BARBARA: You know, I didn't know if I could go through with it. But, actually, I'm having a pretty good time.
CAROL: I'm so glad you got past that. The important thing is to look beyond physical appearances and appreciate the inner - (SUDDENLY LOOKING OFF) Oh my God, look at those pecs on Greg.
(DISSOLVE TO: )
INT. BALLROOM / POLICE COSTUME BALL - STILL LATER THAT NIGHT
SFX: UPTEMPO DANCE MUSIC
(BARBARA AND DANNY ARE DANCING. GREG AND HIS DATE DANCE BY.)
GREG (SARCASTIC): Hi, Barb. Having big fun?
(BARBARA BARELY ACKNOWLEDGES HIM.)
GREG (CONT'D): Wow, Danny, I didn't know you were such a good dancer.
DANNY: I'm not. I'm just trying to work my briefs out of my butt.
BARBARA: You are a good dancer.
DANNY: Right. I won a prize once for best couple and I was by myself.
(GREG LAUGHS AND DANCES OFF.)
BARBARA: Don't put yourself down like that. Especially in front of that jerk.
DANNY: Just having a little fun.
(MUSIC STOPS; COUPLES DISPERSE.)
BARBARA: Come on. Let's get something to eat.
DANNY: Something? Let's get everything.
(BARBARA SHOOTS HIM A LOOK AND THEY CROSS TO BUFFET TABLE WHERE SOME PEOPLE ARE GETTING FOOD.)
BARBARA: I'll fix you a plate.
DANNY: Don't bother. I'll just stand here and unhinge my jaw. You lift that end of the table.
(OTHERS LAUGH. BARBARA SHOOTS HIM ANOTHER LOOK.)
BARBARA: Let's see...we've got roast beef, chicken, turkey, chili, and ham...
DANNY: That'll be fine. What's everyone else going to have?
(THEY ALL LAUGH)
BARBARA: Come on, that's enough jokes.
(SOMEONE DRESSED AS A HAMBURGER WALKS UP TO BUFFET TABLE.)
DANNY: Hey, I've died and gone to Denny's. Put some cheese on that and I'll be right with you.
(EVEYONE LAUGHS. A GIANT CARROT WALKS BY.)
DANNY (TO CARROT): Don't waste my time.
(BARBARA IS READY TO DIE.)
ANGLE ON: ANOTHER PART OF THE BANQUET HALL
(COME UP ON CAROL LISTENING TO STACY. PATRICK AND GREG ARE STANDING BY.)
STACY: You're Carrie?! I love that movie. Isn't that the one where the hand comes out of the grave at the end?
CAROL: Not "Carrie." Curie. I'm Madame Curie.
STACY: Then why are you with the Incredible Hulk?
CAROL: Tell them who you are, Patrick.
PATRICK (HATING THIS): I'm radium. Not too close.
GREG: He looks totally mutant. How'd you get those bumps to stand out on your face?
PATRICK: Bumps? (FEELS HIS FACE) Oh my God! I'm blistering.
GREG: Go find Lieutenant Adams. He came as a tube of Neosporin.
ANGLE ON: BUFFET TABLE
(DANNY'S AT BUFFET TABLE TALKING TO PASSERS-BY.)
DANNY: You know, I'm not really this big...I just shoplifted a Yugo.
BARBARA (HISSING): Would you cut it out, Danny?!
DANNY: Sure, sure. (PICKS UP HUGE CHOCOLATE CAKE) How thoughtful. An after dinner mint.
BARBARA: Take me home.
BARBARA: I want to go home. Now!
(BARBARA STORMS OFF. ON DANNY'S REACTION, WE: )
(DISSOLVE TO: )
INT. LAVERNE'S APARTMENT / EXT. PORCH - LATER THAT EVENING
(LAVERNE, IN WITCH'S GARB, IS ALONE IN THE LIVING ROOM. THE CLOSET DOOR IS SLIGHTLY AJAR. WE HEAR HARRY'S VOICE FROM THE HALLWAY.)
SFX: DOORBELL RINGS
LAVERNE: Come on, Doctor. We got kids awaitin' out there.
HARRY (O.C.): Laverne, this is ridiculous. I can't do it.
LAVERNE: Yes you can. Now, come on.
(CUT TO: )
EXT. LAVERNE'S PORCH - CONTINUOUS
(THREE COSTUMED TRICK-OR-TREATERS ARE AT THE DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS, REVEALING HARRY DRESSED AS DRACULA: FANGS, CAPE, AND MAKEUP. KIDS GASP AT HIS COSTUME.)
KID: Boy, he looks scary.
HARRY (NOT PLAYING ANYTHING): Hi, kids. I want to drink your blood.
KID: Cool costume. Too bad you had to talk.
(HARRY GIVES THE KIDS CANDY. THEY FILE AWAY AND HE SHUTS THE DOOR.)
(CUT TO: )
INT. LAVERNE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
LAVERNE: Doctor, you had 'em in your fangs and you let 'em go.
HARRY: Look, Laverne, I'm not very good at this.
LAVERNE: Sure you are. You sayin' you're a quitter, Doctor?
(THEY BOTH REACT)
LAVERNE (CONT'D): Come on now...this is Halloween!
HARRY: I can't do this.
LAVERNE: Yes you can! These kids came here to be scared and you gotta scare 'em. (STARTS TO PACE. FOOTBALL PEPTALK: ) You gotta scare 'em high. You gotta scare 'em low. The big ones and the little ones. The Ninja Turtles, the ghosts, the Batmans, the Supermans, the General William Tecumseh Shermans!
HARRY: Kids come as General Sherman?
LAVERNE: Not yet, but if one does, I want you to scare the hell out of him.
LAVERNE (CONT'D): You can do it, Doc. They're waitin' for ya.
(WE SEE HARRY PULL HIMSELF TOGETHER. HE'S READY...HE OPENS THE DOOR FOR A COUPLE OF TRICK-OR-TREATERS.)
HARRY (A LA BELA LUGOSI): I bid you welcome.
(KIDS REACT FRIGHTENED. HARRY STARTS HANDING THEM THEIR TREATS.)
HARRY (CONT'D): Don't be afraid, it's just I, Count Dracula. Ah, you look like type "A" blood - my favorite. I always enjoy a nice warm glass of that on a cold winter's evening.
(HARRY SWIRLS HIS CAPE MENACINGLY, BARING FANGS. HE MAKES A SCARY DRACULA SOUND. THE KIDS RUN AWAY SCREAMING. HARRY SHUTS THE DOOR.)
LAVERNE: Now, that's the way to do it.
HARRY: Actually, I think I could've been a little better on the blood thing. Is type "O" scarier than type "A"?
LAVERNE: I'll get this one.
(LAVERNE OPENS THE DOOR TO THREE TRICK-OR-TREATING GIRLS, INCLUDING BRITTANY [FROM COLD OPENING]. LAVERNE DOES A WITCH CACKLE. THE GIRLS LOOK UP, FRIGHTENED.)
LAVERNE (CONT'D): Pretty scary, huh?
BRITTANY: Yeah. He sure is.
(LAVERNE TURNS AROUND TO SEE HARRY IS UPSTAGING HER. HIS CAPE RAISED, FANGS EXPOSED, ETC.)
HARRY (PUSHING PAST LAVERNE): It is I, Count Doc-u-la.
LAVERNE (EYES HEAVENWARD): Lordy, I've created a punster.
HARRY (REVIEWING KIDS COSTUMES): Ah, a princess, a mermaid, a ballerina...(LICKING HIS LIPS)...I love an assortment.
LAVERNE (THEN OFFERING BOWL TO KIDS): Okay, here's your treats.
BRITTANY: We want Count Doc-u-la to give 'em to us.
LAVERNE (HURT): All right. Fine.
(LAVERNE SHOVES THE BOWL AT HARRY AND CROSSES TO AN OPPOSITE CORNER.)
HARRY (HANDING OUT CANDY): Here's a newt's nose for you and an eel's ear for you.
LAVERNE (ANNOYED): That's witch talk, not Draculer.
HARRY: All right my little darlings. Now, I've given you something to eat. You have to give me something to drink.
BRITTANY: But we don't have anything to drink.
HARRY: Oh, yes you do!
(HARRY SHOWS HIS FANGS AND LAUGHS. THE KIDS SCREAM AND EXIT. SMUG, HARRY LOOKS AT LAVERNE.)
LAVERNE: They were little girls. Any half-baked bloodsucker can scare little girls.
HARRY: I thought I did pretty well. Maybe if I had some ketchup on my teeth...
(HARRY AND LAVERNE BOTH RACE FOR THE DOOR.)
LAVERNE: I'll get it!
HARRY: I'll get it!
LAVERNE: Look, we can do this together. You hide in the closet, I'll open the door, then you jump out and scare 'em to death.
HARRY: Great idea.
(HARRY STARTS INTO THE CLOSET. LAVERNE PUSHES HIM THE REST OF THE WAY AND QUICKLY LOCKS THE DOOR.)
HARRY (CONT'D) (O.C.) (KNOCKING ON DOOR): Laverne, what are you doing??
LAVERNE: Teaching you Halloween Lesson Number One. Never upstage the witch.
(LAVERNE CACKLES LIKE A WITCH AS HARRY CONTINUES TO BANG ON THE DOOR IN PROTEST, AND WE: )
(DISSOLVE TO: )
INT. HARRY'S LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
(CHARLEY IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH, AS DREYFUSS EATS FROM THE BOWL OF HALLOWEEN CANDY.)
BARBARA (O.C.): What a mess!
SFX: FRONT DOOR BEING UNLOCKED
(BARBARA AND DANNY ENTER FROM THE FRONT DOOR AND NOTICE CHARLEY.)
BARBARA (CONT'D): Charley, wake up!
CHARLEY (SLEEPILY): Hey, Barb, back so soon?
BARBARA: Charley, the front yard's a wreck. Didn't you hand out the candy?
(CHARLEY, PUZZLED, LOOKS AT THE EMPTY BOWL OF CANDY.)
CHARLEY: Geez, I must have dozed off. All I can remember is this incredible dream. I was getting a tongue bath from a lusty readhead with a runny nose.
BARBARA: Well, you'd better get out of here before my dad gets home. He's gonna flip.
(CHARLEY CROSSES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND LOOKS OUTSIDE.)
CHARLEY: Hey, cool. Free toilet paper.
(CHARLEY EXITS. DANNY STANDS AWKWARDLY FOR A BEAT.)
DANNY: Well...guess I'll be going.
DANNY (STARTS TO GO, STOPS): You want to tell me what's wrong?
BARBARA: What makes you think anything's wrong?
DANNY: Oh, little things. Like on the way, home, you rode in the back seat.
BARBARA: I did not.
DANNY: You may as well have. You didn't say one word since we left the party. What happened, Barbara? I thought we were having a great time.
BARBARA: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. (IMITATING HIS STYLE) "I'm not really this big - I just shoplifted a Yugo. Just pick up the table - I'll unhinge my jaw."
DANNY: So that's it. The fat jokes.
BARBARA: That fat jokes. The put-downs. Yeah!
DANNY: Barbara, I always do those kind of jokes. How come they never bothered you before?
BARBARA: I don't know. Tonight was different.
DANNY: I think I know why. You were embarrassed to be on a date with a fat guy.
BARBARA: That's not true!
DANNY: It is true! You think I haven't seen this before? You were ashamed to be seen with me.
BARBARA: All right, it's half true.
DANNY: Really? Which half of me weren't you ashamed of?
BARBARA: Look, I'll admit that I had second thoughts about going to the party with you. But by the time we got there, I'd forgotten all about that. I was having a great time just being with you. Until you started making a jerk of yourself.
DANNY: Barbara, I learned a long time ago that if you're fat and funny, people like having you around - you're a "great guy." But if you're not funny, then all you are is fat.
BARBARA: Danny, you are a great guy. You don't have to prove it with fat jokes.
DANNY: You know, you're not the first person who's said that to me. I've been doing it since I was a kid. (CONSIDERS IT) Maybe I should try to work on it.
BARBARA: I think you'd feel better about yourself.
DANNY: Who knows, maybe I'll even go to a shrink. I could do group therapy all by myself.
BARBARA: That's not a very good start.
DANNY: Hey, it's not going to happen overnight.
BARBARA: Just remember, I meant it when I said I was having a good time just being with you.
DANNY: So what are you saying? That you could date a guy like me and think nothing of it?
(BARBARA CONSIDERS CAREFULLY.)
BARBARA: The truth?
DANNY: The truth.
BARBARA (A SIGH, THEN) Hey, it doesn't happen over night.
BARBARA (CONT'D): But I'm working on it.
DANNY: Want to work on it over a cup of coffee?
BARBARA: Why not.
(HE TAKES HER ARM AND THEY START FOR THE DOOR.)
DANNY: I know a place where they have twenty-one kinds of pie.
BARBARA (AS THEY EXIT): Fine for me, but what are you going to have?
(FADE OUT) END OF ACT TWO
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